My husband will be home in 3 weeks. It's not permanent, it's another 2 week "stop in" before he takes off again. And I'm feeling...... unprepared.

I had hoped my hormones would have returned by now and things evened out but I'll tell ya, I'm dreading sex. I'm so afraid it will be horrible because I can't get in to it. From April till now- I've only masturbated once and it was horrible. I had expected a big "bang" because it had been so long but the orgasm was a let down- I couldn't get in to it. And thinking of him returning and having sex, there is no anticipating build-up, I feel no sexual excitement.

I blame my kids.


My kids mean everything to me. It's funny, I LOATHED Mommy bloggers. They'd post pictures of dildos on pages that shared pictures of their kids. They seemed commercial and fake and the nonstop talking about familyhood--- yawn. I fear I will become a Mommy blogger. I fear my little monsters will consume my every thought so that any other parts of myself will become erased.

Over the past few months I've changed. I've become a lot less selfish but I've also given up quite a bit of my identity. I've neglected things that used to be important in order to focus on becoming a better parent but it's taken away from who I am as a person. I've sacrificed more than my fair share in order to raise them right and it's changed who I am.

I've lost a lot of my liberal views, I have found a new respect for conservatism. And I want to push it on my daughter. I want to definitely not raise her in my image but I want to hold her to a higher standard. I'm not going to put unrealistic expectations on her shoulders but I will make her strive to live a life far better than I did when I was a young woman.

I've noticed a lot of young girls have lost all respect. Respect for their parents, respect for themselves. I don't want a little girl who grows up to fuck every guy that messages her on facebook. I want her to have a better sense of self so that she can invest in herself, rather than downgrade who she is. I will raise her with a sense of quality assurance because I want her to love her life rather than live with regret and painful mistakes.

I refuse to have a bitchy, 'know it all', 'thinks she's ready for life and knows everything at 16' little brat. lol.

Raising a little girl has been everything I thought it would. She's changed me, and while I've lost a lot of who I am, I still like the person I've become. I feel older, wiser, and I feel so much more respect for what a family is. Being a Mom has been a long hard road to walk but I feel like I've finally achieved what I always wanted to. Purpose, albeit a bit utilitarian..

So anyway. Wish me well when hubby comes home that I can live up to any expectations he may have and that I'm able to surprise and surpass any that I may acquire.