I'm amazed at life. Really, I honestly am. I think in the past 5 years I've never had a more positive outlook than I have right now. And right now, there's so much crap out of my control but it doesn't really seem to matter.

My husband is military and gone, he's been gone a lot and will be gone until December of next year. He comes back every few months for a couple days but then has to leave again. If I were faced with the threat of him leaving oh, a year ago, I wouldn't have the strength and resolve to endure it. The fact that I can NOW when I'm about ready to have a baby and when I have a 6 year old with special needs, I'm just amazed at myself.

Last year my marriage was in a complete disarray. We fought, often... and our fights got nasty. I was angry, unbelievably angry at my shit luck and the fact we couldn't have a baby. Getting pregnant became an obsession for me and I could not focus on anything but that. It almost destroyed us. My sex life went down the shitter and while I tried to have a brave face and take it all in stride, inwardly I was dying.

It's so easy to pretend everything is fine. For months I felt like I was drowning and I desperately needed a life preserver. I shouldn't have gotten pregnant. Everything was against me, my OBGYN often told me, "if this isn't the month, I don't know what we can try next," we were running out of options. We scrambled to get enough money to cover IUI and in the end, we couldn't. I gave up hope and just stopped caring. I pretty much quit life and allowed myself to slip into a coma. My husband woke me up one day after another nasty fight and said that I needed to get my shit together, I needed to wake up and realize that I had a life worth living if not for myself but for him and our preschooler. So funnily enough, I went on birth control and joined a diet program.

I tried to do something for myself and for a while, I forgot about having a baby. I was started to feel so good about myself, every 5 lb loss felt like a victory and after losing so many battles for so many years, I needed to win just one. I eventually came to accept I lost the war on getting knocked up and it wasn't as hard to accept as I thought it would be--- My sex life improved, I allowed myself to feel sexy again and I let my husband back in, let him touch me the way he used to. One night I told him, 'I missed my pill, you should use a condom so I don't get pregnant" and we both kind of laughed at each other because after all the years of trying we accepted it was an impossibility for us. I'm amazed to say that a month later, I was pregnant.

I love my husband more now than I ever have before. I blame the pregnancy hormones ;) But I really can't describe how we've been able to reconnect, it feels like when we first fell in love so many, many years ago. He's gone a lot so I only get a phone call about once every 2 weeks but every night he's able to send me a quick email telling me he misses me or wishing me a good day. It's unbelievably limited interaction but it's enough for me to keep the home fires burning. I'm so grateful for him and he probably doesn't realize it. He stuck with me when I was at my absolute worst- when I was the biggest mess in the World. All the times I locked him out of the bedroom or threatened to leave, he stayed. How can a man be that kind and that strong to not only hold himself up but hold me up too?

Reflecting on all the horrible times together and how my husband was always there, it makes me feel so blessed because I know he's going to be an amazing Dad for the 2nd time around. He won't get many opportunities to see this little one before he gets back from his deployment but I can't help but think towards the future. Before I could only think of the present and live in the moment, I could never think past that day but now, I see a year down the road and it looks so promising.

My life has done a complete 180 and I do not feel like the same person that started this blog. Unfortunately, I have no time to do anything and I'm even on bedrest, so you'd figure what else do I have to do?! But I miss the reviews and I MISS THE SEX :) I'm so blessed though- All the minor shit I have to deal with is completely worth it.

I have no idea if I'll have time to blog much after the baby as I'll be Mom and Dad to 2 kids but I hope so. I'm not even sure if after this baby I'll be able to view myself as a sexual person for a while but who knows. I've had to repress my sex drive so much since I got pregnant (due to pelvic rest and the military sending hubby all over Hell) that even now, I feel a bit asexual. It's okay though, I'll take not being to orgasm over not being pregnant. I just hope that I don't abandon this completely- for a time I thought it was time to, I was ready to move on... but I'm so drawn to the community that helped me sort through all my shit to get where I am today.

I hope I can update again soon for any and all who care (and thank you to those of you who still read the blog, I wish I had more to offer) but right now, with my complications and history of preterm labor, I see this baby coming within the next month so time is something I won't have a lot of. But who knows, maybe I'll have a great HNT for when I'm about ready to pop or if my husband makes it and is daring enough to take some pictures of the birth (ew!)..

As for now, enjoy the Halloween weekend, I know I will.