I'm still waiting for the initial shock to wear off for me and I'm already 21 weeks!!!

Everyday I'm astonished that I'm actually pregnant because my husband and I went through Hell to finally get a positive on a pee stick. We tried endless fertility treatments that resulted in failure after failure. And while I finally got a BFP (big fat positive) I was nervous and scared because we've already suffered two losses in the past 5 years.

The complications weren't fun. I had an SCH (bleeding) from week 8 to week 14. I can't even describe how scary it was to feel like I was losing another one. I've never been religious but I prayed everyday for this baby to stay, promising if they stuck around it would be worth the wait.

For the first 4 months of my pregnancy I was on full pelvic rest- no sex, no intimacy, no breast stimulation, and NO getting turned on. Can I just tell you how much that sucked? Even though I was scared as Hell, I still had to deal with the pregnancy hormones that made me unbelievably horny. All I wanted was to be able to have sex and use toys and do all the things I did before with my newly changing body but I couldn't which meant an extreme avoidance of anything sex related.. sorry blog.

To make things worse for myself, at 17 weeks I fell on concrete. I went to the ER with mild contractions but after several hours of observation they stopped and ever since, my back is just not doing well. I was back on bedrest and told to take it easy... I pretty much wrapped myself in bubble-wrap after that.

And at 19 weeks, the military sent my husband away AGAIN! He'll be gone till Christmas and then he deploys for a year when the baby is just a few months old. Can I just SCREAM for a moment? lol. Can't have sex during my pregnancy because either I'm bleeding, he's gone, I'll be recovering from having a baby, and he'll be deployed... so it's going to be like 2 years without sex. Guess I should do my kegels so there's something down there worth coming home to for him.

I wanted nothing than more to tell everyone I was pregnant as this blog has been my big infertility/insecurity dumping ground but I was afraid. Afraid to buy anything and afraid to say anything for fear of jinxing myself. But I'm going to now- I'm beyond happy and IN LOVE with this baby, I cannot wait to meet my daughter.

I love the sex blogging community and wish I could have stuck around throughout the early weeks but many of my fellow sex bloggers have an innate ability to turn me on with their stories, anecdotes, erotica, and pictures that I just had to keep a distance. But really, without the community here to support me (especially Sexis for allowing me to write about infertility) I don't think I would be sitting here right now- pregnant, fat and happy.

I'm missing my husband and missing sex but I am looking forward to the future-- she's due around Christmas and I really think this is the best present I could have ever asked for. And maybe I'll get lucky enough for my husband to get some R&R to come home and fuck me.