I have not had the best year... the best month... and none of my weeks have been 'the best week'. I watch my friends get dealt little drama and trauma every now and again and it always seems like they have these lengthy periods of time that allow them the ability to recover, recuperate, and grow stronger. Those periods in their lives are like little vacations from reality, little spa days to forget the stresses... and oh, I wish I was so lucky.

So we've dealt with a miscarriage, and yes, I'm saying 'we' because I had my husband there to hold my hand. Even if I shrugged it off and left for a few weeks to clear my head. I needed a break because I am not nearly as strong as my gray roots make me look. I am fragile and I like to run away, it's the only way I can get through the tough times. Now, I'm having to do everything- the job of both spouses, the job of both parents, and I'm having to learn how to live ALONE.

Oh my god, can we say that again? ALONE. No, not by choice- the military likes to seperate us every few years and usually, these breaks are relished- they're welcome opportunities to be without one another. It usually makes us love each other more and help us get a breather from our annoying selves before we get to the point where we want to just stab each other because we spend way too much time together. But this time, I have a 5 year old with Aspergers, a townhome that's falling apart (Thank god for HGTV and diynetwork.com), and I've been under a lot of stress... morose than usual. Then again, it's also a blessing.

We have tried nonstop to have more kids, we have jumped through hoops, we have dealt with way too much drama and done way too much to just enjoy the process. Because let's face it, every experience we have trying to have a baby should be amazing, exciting, and filled with hope and determination. The last doctors appointment were full of apprehension, annoyance, depression, and neither of us wanted to be there. Our sex life became shit and I didn't even feel like touching myself.. if he couldn't, how could I?

But this time apart (while I haven't had ANY time to myself) I've been able to just think about well, myself. Think about my needs. Think about who I am- not as a wife or a mother, but as an individual. As someone striving hard to live a meaningful life instead of someone just going through the motions. And finally, FINALLY I miss sex. Once he's gone, I get the urge to have it again- ain't life beautiful? So my trusty reliables have had the dust brushed off them and I've given every damn toy in my toy box a go. I wish and I hope, and dear Lord I will try, to make this an opportunity to finally sit down and do what I've held off on doing... and not just reviews, fun stories, HNT, or any of the other little things that brought me so much joy- but maybe now I'll be able to embark on a journey of self discovery, to find out what type of person I am... because I just haven't done that for a while. We're constantly growing, learning, and I've tried every few years to see just how different I am but sometimes I forget to, sometimes I get so wrapped up in the drama and stress of my life that I forget to take a break and evaluate where I'm at. And yes, I am huge on introspection because I am constantly thinking.

Anyway, while this is a happy post, an upbeat post, it's also an admittance of guilt and shame that I've completely neglected my responsibilities as a blogger and a reviewer. And a promise to my readers and myself that I am going to take whatever free time I have (and there isn't a whole lot when you're both caring for your entire household but your crazy self) to not only get things I've long put off done, but to enjoy the process of accomplishing forgotten projects and to make each and every end result wonderful. This is also an opportunity to find out who I am and maybe to finally find my voice as a sex writer. I've been trying so hard for the past year my website has been live to discover what type of writer I am. I've been longing to discover my niche and I had hoped I would have found it by now but it's okay, I'm fine with going at a slower pace than some of my peers- maybe I can only discover the type of writer I am when I discover the type of person I am. Or, maybe I never will. Either way, my goal isn't for finality, a finish line, or endings but rather to learn to love, enjoy, and relish the present, the paths I choose, and the rides I allow myself to be taken on.