I want to get in my Jeep and drive away for a few days. Leave my husband behind and just take off. I'd get a hotel room and just be. Just be. Alone. I want to just be alone.

No one has cheated on one another in this marriage, there have been no major fights, and we're still in love with each other. I just want to leave.


I've had a lot of people ask me why we still try so hard to have a baby. I have my list of over 1,000 reasons of why I want this, this is something I want but can't have. What if you wanted chocolate cake but you couldn't bake it and every store you went to they were sold out. You wanted it so badly but someone told you, "I'm sorry, maybe we'll have it in next month". So you go for years with that undeniable longing and craving for chocolate cake.

No, a baby isn't as nonchalant as chocolate cake but right now I'm sad, and chocolate always makes the sadness go away... if only for a little while.

And right now I want chocolate and I want to leave. I want to not see my husband's face for a few days, not blame him for why I can't have something I want. I do not get what I want often, I have settled through a majority of my life- I have never received a big promotion, I have never felt valued, and I have never had a return investment on the time and energy I put into my hobbies and the big projects that make up my life. I constantly am slighted and overlooked, and every month I'm overlooked yet again so when the baby rounds go out wherever it's decided who gets to have kids, I'm passed over. Just another time where someone else is chosen and I'm left feeling like no one can see me or can even acknowledge I have as much longing if not more as someone else. It makes me wonder why I try so hard and why I invest so much of myself in these dreams and projects that go absolutely nowhere.

I have tried to stay positive and I know next month I'll be right back at it trying again but we're stuck with only a few options to make this baby process complete. I cannot afford IVF and IUI was forgotten long ago as my military doctor has left the hospital and his patients given to someone else. Someone who does not care, someone who has not had time to invest themselves in my life. Someone who obviously doesn't give a rats ass if I get what I want.

The few people I talk to tell me I seem so sad lately, I am, I can't pick myself up off the floor. I keep having upsets and setbacks. When I started this blog I thought this would be a great way to explore the inner workings of myself and it has been useful, as a forum to bounce ideas off of myself with. Yet, I haven't been able to reveal any great desires or anything new that I didn't already know before. I'm a narcissist who is so hung up on "perfect" or "just right" that I can't let things happen organically. Because I don't trust things to happen organically or naturally I try to facilitate all parts of my life and I end up pushing people and they get annoyed or frustrated. Yet, I'm annoyed and I'm frustrated because I give and never get. I constantly put myself out there and go the extra mile hoping for a return investment and I never get one. But the fault lies with me, I hope people will give back and I do not do things selflessly. I do things for things in exchange yet no one else ever exchanges a damn thing.

It's like all my years of being a Secret Santa, I go out of my way to find these amazing gifts and either I don't get anything in return because someone forgot or I'm given a chocolate bar or a magazine off a drug store rack. Now, I should be happy for getting something in return because it's the thought that counts but with me, no one ever puts any thoughts into it. I am an afterthought or I never cross anyone's mind at all. My husband does this a lot because he assumes I don't need big productions but I do, after years of feeling inadequate and like utter garbage, I need a big production because at this stage in my life my figure is gone, my confidence is gone, and I'm not nearly as smart as I used to be.

For once I just want to get what I want, I want to be acknowledged, I want to be made to feel as if I am special and I am appreciated. So maybe I'll leave. Go to a hotel where I know I'll have the sheets made, where I'll have extra towels, where the girls at the front desk will smile at me and say good morning, where I'll be made to feel like a valued member of the color coded card carrying crowd I'm a part of. Because if myself, my time, my energy, my longing, my desire, and my love aren't appreciated then my money sure as hell will be.