Today is a great day. And yes, I say that with sarcasm. Truth be told, it's not that bad, I've had far worse... but still, today does not rank in my top 5 of all time days, it doesn't even rank in my top 5,000 days.

I woke up at 6 to a screaming child. Totally perfect, right? Because who needs their eardrums at 6 in the morning? And yes, we all should have migraines to start the day, it lets us know we're alive.

At 6:30 I realized the kittens had gotten out of their little home we made for them so I had to search around the house for them. 1,800 sq feet and kittens that are the size of a child's shoe, not that hard to find. 45 minutes later, sweat pouring from my forehead after rummaging under the couches, looking behind the fridge, and under every bed and there they are, asleep, upstairs on the Liberator. At least I got in my cardio for the day.

I sit down with my toast and coffee, ready to do something productive... anything productive. Hell, what I'm doing right now is productive. And in my inboxl is the best email I've had all day (because we're only 2 hours in)- "I love your blog. Can I pee on you sometime?"


I don't know if I should be flattered or insulted. Firstly, they love my blog. Oh, thank you! But then again, they want to pee on me.

Is that flattery? Do they only pee on the best bloggers out there? Is their urine reserved only for the best erotic writers on the internet? Or were they being sarcastic and "I love your blog" means, "it's really awful" and "Can I pee on you sometime" means, "your blog is so bad I must douse it in my urine."

I called my husband because I wasn't sure. Yes, I actually made him stop what he was doing to talk to me on the phone about someone asking to pee on me. He told me to accept the offer because he would be working late today which meant no sexual action of any kind from him. He's really helpful.

So, after deciding it wasn't because my blog is absolutely fantastic I tried to forget about it. I figured it must be some sort of joke. But who can forget about someone asking to pee on them? I'm afraid I don't have a switch that I can flip off to prevent mildly erotic thoughts, albeit weird ones, from crossing my mind. (Because even though it's pee, it comes from a penis, and when I think of penis, I think of celebrity penis, and hot celebrities like Jeffrey Dean Morgan or George Clooney probably have really awesome penises, and in that case I might actually let them pee on me if I could see or touch these awesomely large, famous dicks.)

So I'm fine because for the next few minutes all I think about is having sex with George Clooney until a little while later I get another email asking me to reconsider the original offer of an urine bath and that this time I'd get both the urine bath and them farting in my mouth while peeing on me. 2 for the price of 1, wow, that's a bargain. And I'm not even sure how that would work. Would I have to be sitting during this? Do I have to contort my body into some weird position for them to achieve both? It sounds like an awful lot of work. I just don't know if I could commit to that because let's face it, I'm pretty lazy and usually just like to lie there during any sort of sexual activity.

So. Either someone really hates me or actually really loves my blog. Either way, I'm like 99% sure it's my husband fucking around with me. And he both loves me and hates me, it's mostly just hates me. But this is probably him getting even with me for making him watch Desperate Housewives.

In that case. Yes, you can pee on me IF you have sex with me first and I'm not required to do anything other than lay there. And yes, I just totally accepted your offer to pee on me, I'm a great wife, I hope you realize how lucky you are.