At this point it's so easy to feel alone.

I have those days where you feel helpless, at least once a week... okay, maybe twice a week. It is not a rare occurence for me to feel like everything is out of my control. My husband tries to reassure me that I'm a strong woman, that I've done things other people have never dreamed of... and that I'm truly brilliant in the way I've pissed off my neighbor and derailed her sense or morality, but right now I've been having one of "those days"... I've been having a WTF moment for the past year and I'm just so over myself.

I hate being the one that always cries about how life sucks or how I've been shit on repeatedly, but infertility is really getting the best of me. I've gained weight because I've been so depressed and it's counterproductive because the more weight I gain, the less of my chances of getting pregnant are. It's not fair! Let me eat my cake and get pregnant too!!!!

But my sex life has been good. Waking my husband up in the dark at 4 am only to be fucked roughly, held down against the sheets, falling asleep afterward and waking up with deep imprints of his fingers in my wrists has been exciting. Thankfully, it's been cold so I've been able to wear long sleeves to hide our morning trysts. He's been extremely rough lately, I wonder if all his aggression about his military career and our future (he decides to reenlist in 23 days) has caused him to take it out on me. If so, I like it. I like the orgasms where he screams and smacks me, where he holds my body down against the mattress and explodes inside of me. In the entirety of our marriage he has never been so focused, so vocal, or so aggressive.

Tying my wrists together, only to rip the bonds back off and shove them in my mouth to keep me quiet as I buck my body against his, keep me thinking of him all day. I have claw marks on my back and teeth marks on my thighs. My nipples have been so abused and my pussy lips are constantly raw. He's been so dark lately, quite different from the tender Mormon boy I met years ago. I don't know what has gotten in to him but I fucking love it. Where has this side been all this time? I want to see if he can make me bleed, if he has the willpower to hurt me to the point where my skin is broken and a pain consumes my body. Where I can feel if I am truly mortal or if I'm even alive at all...

There have been some definitely dark times lately and I've been wondering if my life would be easier if I had a hysterectomy, that if I had temptation taken away I would stop being miserable over the fact I can't get pregnant. At this point I'm just like OMG (there really is no better phrasing)... but I've scheduled an appointment with my Gyno to see what the next step is, what new medications I can try for us to finally have a baby because I've had enough. I'm so tired of being told to "wait and see", what is that bullshit? I'm better than that. I will no longer suffer with a case of the sads, I'm going to make something happen.