My husband and I just spent the last 2 days holed up in a hotel room. Okay, so that sounds a little guerillaesque for our mini-vaca (and no, I'm not the type to use the word "vaca"... even though I just did) but he took me out of the house and to somewhere where I wouldn't have to worry about dinner, housework, or really anything else.

Now, I should have been happy... no, make that elated! But I was stressed out, worried, and wondering the whole time- what kind of financial set back will this be? How will the cat be for 2 days by himself? Did I give the cat enough food? Will packages still be delivered? Will those packages get stolen? Will the Jeep get broken into in the hotel parking lot? Did I leave the stove on?

It seems like in the past 6 months I've become this person that I don't even know... and that I frankly want to strangle. I can't enjoy these types of things (the types of things my husband NEVER does) because there's always some sort of drama or impending doom in our lives. Since I quit my job to concentrate on reducing my stress to increase our chances of pregnancy I figured there would be less stress but it seems it has just tripled... and obviously, our making baby trysts have been unsuccessful.

My poor husband is reenlisting in 1 week after I promised him that we'd make it work so he could get out of the military, but it's just not feasible. When he reenlists he'll be Sea Duty and will be sent out for 3,6,8 months or more on a boat... I can't go through that shit again, we have a home here we have to worry about and I don't think I'm a strong enough woman to play the role of 2 providers now that our son is much older. I'm more concerned for my husband, I think him being away from home will impact him more than it could impact me or our son and I don't want him to become a broken man. Plus there's always the fact he's a conscientious objector and has morality battles with himself over the things the military asks him to do the projects he partakes in.

There are a lot of life decisions to be made in the coming weeks and frankly, I don't want to make them. I just want to ignore them, pretend they don't exist, and hope they fade away. Our sex life has suffered the most because of all the shit going on in our lives. I got one great day of sex on Sunday and I don't think it's ever been so.... um, well, great. An orgasm after 3 minutes of stimulation? And my husband was the one getting me off? He never knows how to touch me but there I was, melting under his hand. Then again, it was a rape scenario and while I've always been opposed to them (not vehemently) he broke our "norm", tried something different, and it seemed to work. I highly doubt we'll ever do what we did again but I'm hoping he can acquire a more dominant personality... both inside and outside the bedroom.