When I was in my late teens I dated a married man. Now, before all the naysayers say that it's wrong, I actually can defend (partially) my decision to pursue him.

See, J and I met online. Funnily enough, his parents were my neighbor. He was in his early 30's and carried a conversation just as poorly as I did- both of us were driven by a hormones and we met and became friends. And then we became more than friends. He pushed my sexual limits and had me doing things that I morally and physically protested to but deep down inside loved.

Well, about a year into our "relationship" I was accepted into school a few states away so I left. Things didn't work out how I had planned so I came back a few months later. And when I came back he was married. WHA? I was pissed. I mean, how could he meet, fall in love, and get married within a few months. I was hot headed and conceited (and yes, I admit, I was insanely physically attractive then... the operative word being "then") and was so absolutely pissed and flabbergasted that he rebounded that fast.

He called me crying and I decided to meet him for coffee. We went right back to where we were before- sex any and at all times. He told me that if I had stayed he would have married me instead, all I could think was, "Is that some sort of a compliment?". Apparently, he only married her because she pressured him- bitch (and yea, we're going to use that term) had 2 babies from some dude who was now in prison and she wanted my J to take care of her kids and protect her from the big, bad man.

J is a veteran. He came back with cancer and now has full benefits and a paycheck coming from the government. Bitch hopped on that gravy train. Then bitch managed to get pregnant, he was told by 20 different doctors he couldn't have kids and somehow, she managed to get knocked up. I'm thinking the same thing, chances are, that baby ain't his.

He used to call me telling me how miserable he was and how he wanted sex all the time and how she never made love to him. Now, I was a cynic (okay, I still am) and just laughed because here I held all the cards. He needed it and I could withhold it or give it. I never understood why he couldn't do to his wife what he did to me- clearly, there wouldn't be any issues between them.

Well, NOW I understand. I feel right now how he must have felt then. I feel like my spouse doesn't give me attention, doesn't love me, doesn't enjoy having sex with me... and maybe that he's sleeping around. I express these feelings with the hope that he might just open the browser and check out my blog one day. He may have already read all these posts and just not be saying anything- if that's the case, the communication in our relationship is now crippled.

I feel frustrated and angry that he won't talk to me. And whenever I try to talk to him I always end up hurt and mad. I feel like he has put up this wall- we used to just fight which allowed us to get down to the issues but we don't even fight anymore. I try to get him riled up but he just walks away. We used to be each other's punching bags (figuratively) which was an incredibly effective method that we used to get everything out in the open... now, there's nothing.

I feel like J or at least how I think he felt. Yea, he was a nymphomaniac so he thought not having sex every 5 minutes was spousal abuse but still. I now understand a little more and I don't hate him as much as I once did. In fact, I pity him and I pity myself because I'm going through what he did and probably is still going through.