If you actually follow my blog, God knows your reasons, you may remember my post bitching about my neighbor. Now, this neighbor isn't like the neighbor you'd picture living on some tree lined, white picket fenced street. This is the neighbor that watches from behind her curtains as you struggle to your door from your car with 15 bags of groceries and laughs as one of the bags rip and a can of spaghetti sauce breaks and splashes all over your shoes and ankles. My neighbor may or may not have mothered Satan, the jury is still out.

So. What did I do? I actually had to try a few different things because my neighbor is crafty, she's a saucy little minx for sure. She constantly has that raised eyebrow that says, "I know you're up to something" so nothing gets by her. She's been around since the birth of Jesus so she knows 99% of the tricks out there.

My first try at revenge:

I work in a hotel. I think we've all figured out that by now. Now, working around the hotel I have access to the little plastic key cards that guests use to get into rooms. The keys are nondescript and they expire at noon every day, they don't tell what hotel or what room they belong. About 2 weeks ago I tried out my revenge which wasn't exactly as juicy or exciting as I had hoped it would be.

Crazy bat shit neighbor was outside one day I decided to come home early and she had her usual, "I smell shit" look on her face. She comes running up to my car, and as I step out after a long ass day dealing with dipshits, she proceeds to tell me that I drive too fast through our cul-de-sac. I'm still struggling to get my damn purse off of the front seat and get all my papers and shit together but she's preventing me from doing much of anything. One of the handles of my purse is stuck on the emergency break and as I pull it free, a couple of hotel key cards fall out. Now, I don't steal company property, especially useless company property and that 12 pack of post it's last week so doesn't count, I just figure a few cards fell into it when I stored it under the counter. As I go to pick one up the floor she's still sqwaking to slow down and drive slow, and all I can focus on is how much I want her to shut the fuck.

I pull one off the floor mat and turn to face her. "You know Mrs. ____, your husband dropped this out of his car the other day, I imagine he's probably been looking all over for it." and I try to hand it to her. She doesn't know that I work in a hotel, in fact, all she knows about me is that according to her, I'm a dirty sex fiend. She just looks at it my hand, doesn't want to take the card as if I had some form of leprocey. She backs the fuck up and just looks at me again with that "I smell shit" face, only this time, she purses her lips and her eyebrow twitches.

This pause is getting a little too awkward, even for me, and I push my hand forward trying to get her to take the damn thing. She turns and walks off. Now, paranoid people are just that, paranoid. They think everyone is out to get them and she probably figures that her old, fat husband has been bumping nalga's with another ho from the neighborhood... who know what the hell she thinks- all I know is I did not see her outside for the next week or so and did not have to deal with any obscure complaints about my having sex with my husband or my driving.

One morning I go out to get the mail and I look at my garden because it lays right between her property and mine. To my astonishment and horror, one of my gnomes is knocked the fuck over. Now, I make sure I position those so that if a hurricane rolls through, they'll be the last things standing- they're my tribute to all that is good and glorious in the world. And beside my gnome I see an orthopedic shoe foot print. Bitch has been in my garden again! I don't know why she's out for my little woodlen creatures, maybe she was out one night hunting for mice so that she could suck their blood... but I took this attack as a preemptive strike for War!

So what did I do? Revenge #2:

I signed her up to meet with the Jehoviah's. It's still a little early so I don't know if they've come but I'm going to sign her up for it every week until we move out of here. She hates people coming to her door, and yes, she has those signs that says "beware of dog", "no trespassing", etc because she is afeared for her life that "negros" or "tattooed psychopaths" may try to come into her home and rape her.

I also searched google for "free cataloges" and signed her up for 20+, I lost track of time as it was early in the morning and I wanted to cram it in before my husband woke up. Now, I know I'm fucking crazy, I just don't want him to know I'm fucking crazy.

I'm not sure how original, cunning, or crafty my revenge so far has been but I'd love to see her little "I smell shit" face when she receives a free subscrition to Genre magazine in her husband's name. "Loaded with intelligence, insight and an irreverent wit, GENRE is for the man who's a lot more than just out."

Enjoy, bitch!