Why is that moods can change at the drop of a hat? That spirits once so high, can fall so absolutely low? Is this a characteristic of being a woman? Is this what makes me human? Is this the epitome of all there is and ever will be?

I am someone who lives in the past. Constantly, I'm there. It's like Back to the Future without the cool car or some weird, lonely Scientist that likes spending all his time with a teenage boy. The bane of my existence revolves around the things I did years before. I can never enjoy the current moment, even though years later I'll be wishing my present life was like the one I had at this very instance.

I'm too dense to realize the good things when I have them. I'm always wishing and hoping for things to change or to be the way they once were. But I can't go back, even though I wish there was some time machine that could send me to my past with the knowledge that I hold now.

Sex of the past rocked. Sex where I didn't know better. Where I thought I was immune to everything; immune to disease, immune to falling in love, immune to pregnancy, immune to heartbreak. I got sex whenever I wanted from whomever I wanted. And now, now I have a husband that I doubt will put out until the next coming of Christ.

I've been dreaming about my ex, the one I was with before I met my husband. He was everything I never wanted yet made me wet whenever I thought about him. I would drive to see him and feel this entire heat radiating down to my very core. The entire drive all I could think about was how good he felt inside of me and how much I ached for him.

It's thoughts like these that make me feel guilty, ashamed, and sinful because I've never once looked forward to the sex with my husband the way I looked forward to the sex with this ex. And the sad part is- I haven't seen this ex in 7 years yet I still remember how good the sex was and I even imagine sometimes when I masturbate about fucking him again.

These are thoughts I cannot share with my husband, thoughts he wouldn't understand. There are memories with said ex that I can't think about, how much emotional hurt and un-understanding there was.

The hardest part besides even allowing the memories I have about my ex to cross my mind is to wish I could go back, maybe see what my life had been like if I could do it all over. Live forever as a 17 year old when I first met him. Allow the years to go by as we strengthened our awkward relationship of me trying to talk to him and him telling me that I was too young but how badly he wanted me. And then fast forwarding a few years to where we actually had sex and continued to do so for a year.