It's Midnight and I decided to take a ho stroll to the bathroom because I felt a little unwashed since I decided to fuck the husband before sleep... plus I had to pee, really bad.

And what do I see? A friggin' SPOTLIGHT pointed directly into my window. Are you fucking kidding me? You have to be kidding me. Seriously. This must be some sort of cosmic joke that everyone is laughing to... yet oddly enough, I'm not amused. In fact, I'm mad. Mad enough to get drunk, yea, that'll show um. I should get drunk and throw up on her lawn. And whose lawn you might ask? HERS. Satan's.

At first, I thought she may have birthed Satan but now I honestly believe that here she is, in all her crotchety glory, pitchfork in the form of a garden shovel and winged monkeys in the form of a Persian cat that she walks around on a leash. She is the Dark Lord and not some Harry Potter version of Satan but some fucking Constantine or the Exorcist shit version of Satan. I can only imagine her inhabiting the body of some young child so that she can live for a few more years. And... Great, I've succeeded in scary the shit out of myself. Maybe I should put up flyers around the neighborhood for parent's to put garlic around their children's necks and store stakes under their pillowcases?

I really hate my neighbor. Really. So much so, that I'd be willing to spend the rest of my night finding out ways to spite her. My grandmother on my mum's side was straight off the boat from Ireland so by proxy, I'm incredibly stubborn, I am willing to fully commit to lack of sleep in order to piss off my neighbor. I'm just going to have to plan this out because apparently, the bike riding Jehoviah's weren't enough to do her in. She didn't melt from their candy coated goodness. I'm thinking this bitch needs to be watered down, maybe in the form of weed killer sprayed all over her lawn and not the organic shit either, the $4.99 bucket imported straight from Mexico.

Now before all you naysayers are like "pussy, get some shades", when I say spotlight, I mean this thing has UV rays shooting out of it. And besides, I'm not Cory Hart, I don't wear no sunglasses at night. This spotlight is a nice little motion sensor spotlight and not positioned anywhere of importance around her property like her driveway or back door.... Right on the side of her house pointing straight into my office and exploding under every bedroom and bathroom door like this was Poltergeist. And by motion sensor, I mean if a piece of lint is carried away on the breeze, that light is going to blaze on and burn it. Burn it like an old boyfriend's picture after he dumps you.

This is some Christmas Vacation shit, I feel like fucking Margo Chester (Julia-Louise Dreyfus) except for the whole fact I'm not a bitch... or a drunk... or Jewish. Okay, I'm all three but that's besides the point. I need some sleep but it's on. When I said War before I wasn't fully committed because I have other shit to do, like wash my hair, but now... it's so on.

Let's have a little Margo Chester inspiration to take us away, shall we? And be sure to read the first few chapters of my harrowing saga. 1 and 2


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