I have my period. The last time I had my period was February 28th. Right now I'm only functioning by way of vicodin.

PCOS has not been kind to me or the millions of other women who have it. 1 in 10 women of childbearing age have PCOS and most don't even know it. But this isn't a lecture about the horrors of having this syndrome/disease, this is just a rant because I'm pretty fucking tired of it.

My back hurts, my breasts hurt, my ovaries are killing me, and my uterus feels like it's going to explode. I tried last night to insert a tampon and it felt like I was trying to fuck myself with a knife so I've resorted to wearing an overnight pad that I've had to change every 45 minutes. It feels like I'm wearing a diaper. This is destroying my self-esteem.

I know this month will be a repeat of the last 36. I want to ovulate after this period but I know I won't. I have an appointment with a new gyno next month on the 10th. I scheduled it 2 months ago and that was the only available date they had. I hate our health care, waiting 3 or 4 months for an appointment is ridiculous but maybe I'm just spoiled for when we were civilians and it only took a week to see a doctor at the most.

We'll have to have another u/s as my last was well over a year ago. I need to make sure my endometrial stripe is not abnormal again and that my ovaries aren't twisted or just covered in cysts... but I know there is a cluster of cysts present that are impeding my ability to get pregnant. I was given the option of a radical hysterectomy last year to get rid of the pain and while I literally wish I was dead this time because it hurts so much, I'm glad I didn't do it because I still have hope we'll have another baby... I just don't know when that will be.

I'm high right now on pain meds but I'm not physically numb. I'm laying in bed hoping the bout of nausea ends from the drugs but I feel like the room is spinning. I'm tired of living my life this way. I'm greateful though that I've scheduled a week off and that I won't have to call out sick... it's just my luck though, that the only time I have off I have to spend in bed crying and wishing I was dead because I'm in so much pain. And people wonder why I drink so much.