I've wanted to be brave but I'm not really all that brave. Yes, I've jumped out of a plane at 20,000 feet. Yes, I dove off the side of a bridge with nothing attached but an elastic cord. And yes, I prevented my husband and I from being mugged a few years back. But I'm not brave enough when it comes to the important things....

Like getting the nerve to surprise my husband at work with lunch for fear of catching him cheating on me with his coworker.

Like going back to college.

Like dying my hair something other than a "normal" color or finally getting started on the sleeve I've had planned for 5 years.

I'm so concerned with what people think of me. Will they think I'm too old? Too fat? Too abnormal? While online I'm an exhibitionist, offline I'm someone that always hopes to blend in with the rest of the crowd. I've always wanted to dye my hair blue, purple, pink- all sorts of crazy colors but I've never been able to work up the nerve. And now, if I were to do something out of the ordinary I'd probably get fired. I'm fearful of losing my job for daring to be just a little bit different than the rest of the flock.

I feel like a sheep sometimes. I just put my head down and walk with the rest of the group, eventually becoming just another mound of wool in the bunch. My sex life has become mundane, a mirror image of my professional life. My personal life has slowly suffered more and more over the past year. It's disheartening and a part of me wants to go out and find someone.

Am I the type to cheat? I admit, years ago I almost thought I was. When I was in bands (metal music is my passion) I had many opportunities to be with a lot of people but I always stayed as faithful as possible. A few times I got so drunk I scared myself but I always came back from it. Now I'm not so sure. I already feel like my husband is stepping out on me so why can't I even the score? Find a little bit of the sexuality I've lost along the way. I'm not even 30 and I feel drained of everything that once made me, me.

I blame everyone but myself. I honestly can't find any faults with me except for my fear... my fear of what people will think, these people being those that have put me into a neat little box. Married, straight, codependent, reserved, contemplative. For once I want to be everything other than what I've tried to portray. I've showed the world only one side of myself yet when I'm alone, I feel all these things of what I could or should be instead. I feel so empowered believing in myself and what I have the potential to do, yet when I step outside my doors I go back to being that boxed up package everyone has come to expect.

I don't know how to change and if I could... or if I really, truly want to. I think I do but there are consequences to finally setting myself free and I don't know if I could handle them. I guess I'm just not brave.