The world would be a better place if people got laid more often.. and by people I mean my neighbor.. and by laid I mean hit by a car.

So I've never spoken to my neighbors before. Well, I did talk to one neighbor but they moved away about 2 months into our friendship. They told us it's because the husband was offered a new position in a different state but I think it's because they just didn't like us and we probably smothered them with wanting to spend so much time with them. Getting together for 45 minutes once every two weeks is asking a lot of someone.

But anyway. So my neighbor turns out to be this woman in her mid-50's. I've seen her sometimes, she likes to take her cat outside for walks on a leash and I've seen her put him in an infant's car seat in the front seat (not safe for an infant to ride in the front seat but idk how it works for a cat, should I call DHS on her?). I'm going to go out on a limb here and say if that cat wasn't castrated before than he certainly is now. I've also seen her SUV. I thought she was a cleaning lady, the entirety of her backseat (floor to ceiling) was packed full of boxes, paper towels, and cleaning supplies. No, she's not a cleaning lady, she's just one of those people that literally takes the entire contents of their kitchen with them whenever they go somewhere. And no, she isn't a clean freak, her car is more disorganized than KFC employees on an Oprah coupon give-away day.

So she comes over and proceeds to hint to me to close my blinds. My blinds? I tell her, well, why would I want to do that? I kind of need the Sun, it's vital to my well being. And she proceeds to tell me in not such a hinting way that seeing my tits or my husband fuck me is not vital to her well being. Well, the way our houses are, the only way you'd see anything is if you stood on a box in her upstairs bedroom, hung halfway out the window, craned your neck, and peered into our townhome with a pair of binoculars. I looked to see if she was moving her neck in an unusual manner or if there was a cracking sound every time she swiveled her head. No.

So I just stared at her and made sure I blinked in an amount like 10x more than the nor,. I didn't say anything, the conversation was awkward enough (I'm sure for her because our lease is up in about 2 months so I could care about as much as Nicole Richie at a KFC on an Oprah give-away day) and then I just walked away. She yelled at me, "Excuse me, I'm talking to you." I just waved with my hand and walked into my house. I ran into the kitchen and peered out from the blinds watching her as she proceeded to stand there for a minute, then she started walking to her house and in the process she kicked one of my gnomes over. That BITCH! And yes, I have gnomes, they are delightful wood nymph creatures that I hope one day will spring to life to drink all my husband's shitty 6-pack of Natural Ice and perhaps, sneak into my neighbor's house and fuck her with their little ceramic shovels.

So I am currently planning revenge. I'm not sure how but maybe if I teach my cat the ways of the ninja he could sneak over to her house and ask her castrated Siamese all of her deep dark secrets that I could use against her in some Danielle Steel twist. Until then, I'll just have to settle with not returning any of her mail that the mailman accidentally sticks in my mailbox or maybe I'll go online and sign her up for like 50 online colleges... either way, I will get my revenge.