I always viewed my marriage as solid. Lately though, I've been having these wicked thoughts cross my mind- not of me, surprisingly, but of my husband. I can't get them out of my head.

He works with a woman.

In the past he never talked about any women he worked with but this woman is his supervisor. At first he would tell me all (and I mean ALL) the stories she relayed back to the guys in her shop about her time spent in Iraq. My husband kept stressing how much he respects her now because of all her experience in the military despite being a woman and only being in her early 20's. Lately, though, he hasn't been talking about her much at all.

About 2 months ago he started trying to push me to meet her and befriend her. This made me particularly suspicious because an ex (he was married when I was seeing him- a blog for another day) kept trying to tell me to get close to his wife so she would never suspect I was cheating with her husband. It worked, she didn't have a clue and thought we were just friends/acquaintances- to this day she has no idea about the relationship between her husband and I.

And today he comes home at 11. I thought he was just off early because his leave starts tomorrow. Apparently, he locked his keys in his car at work and whose car did he end up driving all the way home to get the spare key? Hers. See, he has male friends in his shop and one of the guy's has already let him borrow his car before when he needed to move some furniture- so why did she let him take her car?

To me, my Jeep is sacred. I would never let another person drive it, especially not a friend (because they all drive like lunatics, none of them can drive a 6 speed, and it's just my car...my livelihood). If a guy I worked with was like, "hey, I locked my keys in my car and I need to drive the 30 minutes to my house to get a spare" I'd be like, "you're fucking crazy, go bother someone else." Even if they were just a good 'friend'.

He knew I was home today and apparently tried calling me, in his defense I was asleep but I was bound to wake up shortly. So I end up running down the stairs to let him in. As soon as he tells me he drove her car, I go back to bed where all the scenarios of them together run through my head. So he comes in the bedroom and asks me if I'd like for him to make me some lunch... I decline, I'm quite capable of cooking for myself.. then he asks me if I want a quickie. What? He has NEVER asked this before when he's had to run home from work.

I oblige (just because I personally don't think I get laid enough!) And it's actually really good. There's heat, he keeps insisting on kissing me (I had morning breath today, usually I just make him deal with it but last night we had Mexican). Every time I go to look at him he either turns his eyes away or kisses me. I had this feeling like he was kissing me to get me to turn my eyes away and not look at him. It infuriated me a little but then again, I didn't want to look at him either when I had all this doubt about him and us clouding my mind.

So this quickie turns into some 30 minute escapade and normally (I'll be honest here) it lasts 15 minutes at most. The only time I get a long session is if he has masturbated a few hours before sex. He just doesn't have stamina but somehow today, he did. He was rough and gentle, he was being loving and caressing and for a minute it made me think I was crazy for ever assuming he could cheat and then the past hits me and I'm left with this sinking feeling in my stomach.

See, before I met my husband I had a boyfriend. A boyfriend that I wanted to be serious with because I didn't know any better. But before I met my husband, I was a sex junkie and extremely unfaithful. I cheated on this boyfriend... a few times (I think 3- with the same person). I knew that I would always try to prove something when I had sex with him, be extra passionate, extra loving so he would never know. I know that most people say one of the key clues to know you're being cheated on is your partner's disinterest in sex or the feeling of them distancing themselves from you. Maybe I'm just an evil person, but I did the opposite of everything I'd ever read. I made sure to have sex with him on days where I had cheated on him (showering in between was a prerequisite) and I'd be able to go for hours with him without any complaint. I'd make sure to give it 110% to show that I cared about him.. and he never suspected a thing.

I wonder if I'm just paranoid, if I'm using all the infidelities from my past as a way to help combat my insecurities. I've gained weight again (I actually just lost 10 lbs) and I feel like crap about myself now that it's bikini season. We recently went to the beach and I just wanted to cry... and I wonder if because I have such poor body image that it's translating into him leaving me for someone younger, thinner, and without any emotional baggage.

I don't know but for now, I feel like my heart is breaking. Now I know how my ex would have felt and the wife of another ex felt and in truth, maybe I'm finally getting a taste of my own medicine.