I have this annoying thing called "hope"... I get it when I least expect it and least desire to have it. I'm a brooding person though many would say I'm constantly positive and upbeat.. I don't know who the hell they're referring to when they say that. However, hope comes sweeping in like a knight on a white horse at the worst time possible- I like to be miserable and here it is trying to change the way I'm feeling, killing any sorry, sad sack, depressing mood I'm in. It's annoying!

Hope is not a friend though. Whenever it comes into my life I get that feeling that everything will be fine and things will go my way. Then a few days or weeks pass and once again, it's left and I'm stuck trying to pick up the pieces of my spirited dreams now dashed.

Karma stuck a big one up my ass on Friday. I slept in, enjoying my last week day to do nothing before I start my new job. I slept through any and everything and I forgot it was trash day. See, I live in a cul-de-sac and in the middle you can park- except for trash day. On trash day no one ever moves their cars, I've lived here for 2 years and I've never seen anyone towed... and I have the tiniest fucking driveway on the face of the earth so only one car can be parked in it and lucky husband got that spot so I was forced to park the car in the middle of the cul-de-sac.

I wake up and get ready, I even go to the trouble of curling my hair because DH asked me to get ready to go on a drive with him (it's finally spring weather and he was itching to take the top off.) He comes in the house and sees me at the top of the stairs and says, "please tell me you moved the car." I rushed out of the house in a panic thinking someone stole it... and then it hits me... it's trash day and I was towed. My car was towed from in front of my motherfucking house. No neighbors tried to stop the towing, didn't even bother to ring the doorbell, and here I was not knowing where the fuck my car was towed to. We called the community office and they gave us the number for the towing company. Guess how much it was to retrieve my car? 125 motherfucking dollars. Can you believe that shit? I had to take some of the only bucks I got left to pay to get my car back- I hate these towing companies that can legally steal your shit. I had the hope of a new job and had planned to go out and buy a new pair of black pants and a white button up shirt... and I get my car towed and what goes with it is the money I had set aside to buy said clothing. I have no idea what I'm going to do now as I won't be paid for 2 weeks and I need those clothes for Monday. Fuck.


The other times where hope makes me mad are the months I feel like I'm pregnant. The dream comes and then the realization hits. I tell myself that it'll be different each month- that I won't be so excited or even pray for a miracle.. yet I do and I never am. I get so discouraged that hope comes and tries to rescue me, and then it abandons me and I'm left with those feelings of resentment and sheer hatred of myself and my body.


So. I think I'm going to go to bed, I lost where I was trying to go with this post, maybe I'll finish it another day but right now I just feel so exhausted that I could CRY.