Yes, my life is going through a change. Is it a good one? I'm not sure... but I need it. I need to be revived. I've been living in a haze for so long.

Today I looked at my life as I got up and ready for work. This is my first week and already, I don't want to go. I have a past full of self-destructive behavior, was this morning just another part of my pattern or is it a feeling that won't go away after a while? I went for a job I wanted and was offered one I didn't. I realize you can't always get what you want... but what about your happiness? I feel like this is going to be a job where I just work to work with zero ability to have a family or social life. I didn't want a rotating schedule, I wanted stability, instead, I'll working crazy hours every week and never know when I'll get to see my family. How do people survive this? Being home for so long and self-employed has spoiled me. I wish that as soon as I sit in front of a computer I can be productive instead of veg out and not do shit.

Evaluating this new career path has enlightened me to the life I left behind. I spent a year glorifying my career days thinking it defined who I was as a person and summed up my worth. It didn't do jack shit, it made me realize I put up with too much crap and missed my family... I forgot what it was like to miss my family.

So here I am and I skipped out today. I got a get out of jail free card, I won't explain because other people's affairs are not my own discuss (unless it's celebrity gossip) but everything is fine and I can go in tomorrow. I don't want to but I will. I'll stick it out, just a little longer... whether to prove to myself I can or to prove that this job really is shit and not part of some historical cycle of employment destruction.

And when it all boils down, I made the promise that I will not let this job destroy my marriage, my family, my music, or my reviewing as these are all a parts of myself that I could never give up. I need to review, reviewing has given me a greater sense of fulfillment than any 9-5 or 3-11 job I've ever held. I know a few reviewers just in it for the free toys but I'm on a mission- to inform buyers, to offer facts and fun information, and to give the best fucking review of a sex toy I can... and I do. My videos go above and beyond, and if you're reading this blog, you already know that.