I can't even begin to describe how awkward it was for us afterward. I admit, I had that brief fleeting thought of, "will he think about what it would be like to have sex with a man now?" He wouldn't make eye contact with me. I thought we were more evolved that that.

We've become more and more progressive in our relationship. 5 years ago we never would have thought about doing any of the things we have done. While we've changed, sometimes I wonder... is it for the better? Things used to be so uncomplicated and our sex life was good. Now there are so many wires and buttons, and while we have explosive orgasms because of them, I don't feel as connected to him as I did before.

I tried the Share from Babeland tonight and I didn't care for it. The bulb was too big, it was hard to hold inside of my vagina. I laid down on the bed and we tried a variety of ways such as with me on my knees taking him from behind, me laying on my back and him straddling the stool he put over me, and with him on his back with me between his legs. He wouldn't make eye contact with me but he professed how much he really wanted to do it. I didn't mind, whatever makes him happy, I asked him in a joking manner when the toy arrived if he'd ever want to and he jumped at the chance... that surprised me. He surprised me.

He has a history of sexual abuse. For years he used to talk about butt plugs as if they were for gay guys. He put the seed in my head that he only associates toys used anally with gay sex. I don't know what happened. Did I change him from his perceptions and preconceived notions? I've become so liberal and so open to sexual expression, nothing phases me and I'll try anything once. Has my positive ideals rubbed off on him? I don't know but I had this odd feeling in the pit of my stomach.

We tried the Silky afterward because the Share didn't work- I told him I wanted to put a condom over it and he said that he didn't like the way condoms feel. I asked him jokingly how he knew and he changed the subject. If it's because he's been using my toys and doesn't want to admit it, that's fine, I'm cool with whatever gets him off and makes him happy... but a part of me is wondering something else. I must be taking crazy pills... it's just been an odd night.

I don't think pegging is for me. I didn't achieve anything from it and it put a wall between us. I think it's wonderful that other couples can see and find the benefits of it but I couldn't.