I can remember the first months of being with my husband. Everything really was perfect. There was always this calm though, the silence was deafening at times and I wondered, "when is the shit going to come crashing down?" Things remained relatively perfect until the birth of my son.

Being a parent is hard. I'll admit, it hasn't come as naturally to me as it came to my husband. He grew up around kids, I did not. I grew up with parents that weren't the touchy/feely sort. My mom worked long hours at truck stop diners and my dad was addicted to reefer, he would sit home for months stoned and depressed. He'd cry a lot. Cry and masturbate, I can't tell you how many times I caught him with his hands down his pants watching PBS specials of African women and their exposed tits. This impacts a kid, not so much the blatant and pathetic displays of sexuality but seeing him cry. He didn't work for years, instead, my Mom assumed the role of sole provider. We moved around as a way to motivate him but it didn't work. He only got off his ass when he had to, when he thought we were broke.

I'm just like my parents. I am driven towards a career yet I get overly depressed, I'm preprogrammed for psychological disorders. The entirety of my Dad's side are alcoholics, my Mom's side.. well, we don't really know- my Grandfather was the result of an Irish immigrant having sex with her well established employer. He was adopted so that part of my past is shady and cloudy. I don't know anyone from my Mom's side, not even her siblings.

My past has a huge influence on my marriage and the way I perceive myself as a parent. This translates into a lot of head butting with my husband over the right way and the wrong way to do things. We see eye to eye on rare occasions. It's hard when trying to convey a point to someone who has no idea what the fuck you're trying to say. While I write fairly well, I'm hardly articulate. Piss me off and I can't even stumble through an entire sentence. Instead, I pout and when I'm really pissed off, I may just throw your golf clubs out the second story window.

Needless to say, I'm passionate. The only time that really does any good for us is when we have sex, mainly make-up sex. Have you ever had make-up sex? It's usually rough and still full of angst and anger. God, I love make-up sex. It's my way to make peace with the world while still telling it to go fuck it's self because I'm right. I love my husband, we have a relatively great marriage, but we still fight. I think we're making up for year and a half where we didn't. Can you believe that shit? Not one fight, things were seamless, one big la-la-la land.

What do we fight about? Nothing really at times. Sometimes it just feels good to let go of all the stress you've bottled up, unfortunately, you release it on your spouse but we accept it. I'll be his emotional punching bag because 1.) I can stomach it 2.) it doesn't phase me and 3.) I fucking love him with all my heart so by him letting go of his pain, it makes me feel better too. I like being useful, I don't cry over the fact he needs an outlet. It sucks that we haven't progressed into managing it it other ways but after we're done we both feel better. We both start behaving better and our problems start getting fixed. Communication is key and 99% of the time we communicate is when we fight. We bottle up issues until they just start spilling from our lips in a heated rush, so what if there's a little yelling involved if things are finally being said that need to be said.

We don't fight in front of our son, our one rule. There have been occasions where he's seen us significantly pissed off but we don't battle it out in front of him. I refuse to skew his idea of us by showing him our worst sides. I saw enough growing up from my parents that I don't want to repeat their mistakes.

Fighting can halt sex entirely if you let it. If you let it consume your relationship until all you're left with are hurt feelings and resentment. Even if it's just you fighting with yourself. I hold grudges and have a relatively hard time letting things go, it's the one thing I'm trying to work on. I don't want to be sitting in my chair at 70, shaking my fist at all the fights I never won or all the people in the world that did me wrong. My husband will never be one of them. I love the man so we work through it. While it takes time and you have to truly know your partner to get past problems, fighting still sucks.